I have a few extra minutes at work right now and since i haven't posted in so long I wanted to write down my current state of mind.
My last post was pretty dramatic and I still tear up when I re-read it. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. First, losing my best friend in the whole world, someone who knew me inside and out. Second, feeling like it's completely my fault and being so hard on myself for all the things I thought I had done wrong. Third, feeling completely alone and being on my own for the first time... ever.
Aside from all of that, I can't tell you how liberated I feel at this very moment. There are still things I need to get through in order to be completely free of her but at the moment, I feel great.
It's still hard thinking about the friendship that's just not there anymore, but I don't even want it. If it comes with all the bullshit I had been going through for the past 6 years, no thank you. It's just not worth it to me anymore.
After going through every single situation from start to beginning over and over and over again in my mind and trying to see where I could have done things differently, or trying to see where I fucked up or just trying to make sense out of what happened, I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't my fault. I had some fault in it, yes, but the end of that relationship was not because of things that I had done. Although I convinced myself it was. God, how horrible I felt. I can't believe I let myself think those things and question whether or not I was worthy of her or even if I was a good person! FUCK THAT. I am a good person. I don't cheat, I don't lie. I know who I am. I am not perfect. BUT I am a good person. Shame on me for thinking otherwise.
Being alone in that house in the beginning sucked. It sucked a lot. I've never been alone before, I am a total serial monogamist, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Even when we broke up a couple of years ago and i got my own apartment, I never spent any of my time there. I was still always at my house. That being said, living alone in that house was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I fucking LOVE that shit now. I can do whatever I want, I dont have to worry about other peoples schedules, I can watch whatever i want to on TV when i want to watch it. I've become the man and the woman of the house cooking, cleaning, yard work... this bitch can get it done. It is hard work to run a house and have 4 animals and take care of them all on your own, not like I really had any help before... but i digress.
I've truly learned to love living alone and I have learned a lot about myself. I am so much stronger than I thought and I'm so much more capable of doing things when I know I have to do them myself. I love that feeling.
I have to cut this short right now because the baby just woke up... but I am happy and I am looking forward to what the future brings. :)
And to all my friends who were there for me, thank you so much. I know there are times when I would have actually lost it if you hadn't been there. I'm so thankful to have you and I hope you know how appreciated you are and what wonderful people you are.
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